Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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