I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
