Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
