she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
