My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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