I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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