Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
