UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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