just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think