I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
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Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
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Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream