I think my fart just growled at me.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
