i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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