I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
