i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
