I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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