OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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