I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
