his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
high people should be assigned attendants
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
