After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
