I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
