first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
