Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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