I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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