Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
