9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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