when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
