even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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