he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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