If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
