i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
