y did u give ur computer a hand job?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
