Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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