my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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