If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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