honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
