She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
