He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes