just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
