I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
