I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
thus making me awesome and them whores
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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