im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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