hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
