I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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