Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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