I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
