update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
