Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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