I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
