I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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