Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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