He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
