What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
