how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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