You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
