What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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