So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
this must be what syphilis tastes like
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
