I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
