u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
